


The Secrets of Soiled Shorts

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Embarrassment, Farting, Humor, Urination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-29 05:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20430023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Amy finds a chest full of humiliating soiled clothing. The Doctor regrets not marking it D for Don't Open.





	The Secrets of Soiled Shorts

**Author's Note:**

> T rating due to references to Time Lord genitalia.

They had been in the TARDIS for a really long time now, since the whole eyepatch-pterodactyl-wedding alternate reality business. Amy remembered that she still had clothes with Flesh goo on it. The Doctor had ensured her that said goo was neutralized once she entered the TARDIS, but still, she wanted to wash them. So she took the set of clothes along with a selection of other things, to the laundry room and started one of the sonic machines. 

While waiting, she decided to look around the strange wooden chest in the corner. Inside seemed to be clothes that the Doctor had either deemed unwashable, or simply forgot about until one of his many travel companions interrupted him, at which point he hid them. The second point, Amy knew based on the “markings” on the clothes. There was a spacesuit with a big yellow stain which seemed to glow. Amy thought back. When River and the Doctor had regenerated, the latter only  _ partially _ , their bodies had glowed, with some sort of regenerative energy. But she couldn’t imagine it would be expelled out  _ that way _ ..

The second thing that caught her eye was a pair of trousers marked “John Smith”, which smelled vaguely of rotten eggs and beans, as if someone had farted a really long, quiet fart in it, which then got stuck somehow. 

The Doctor had used John Smith as an alias before, but Amy knew, the smell didn’t match Time Lord farts. Her nose had complained severely when she smelt it in combination with atomized Ood particles. 

The third garment was a pair of white shorts. They stood out because Amy  _ knew _ these didn’t originally belong to a Doctor. Mainly because the nametag said Fred Perry, a famous tennis player. She knew  _ he _ wasn’t a Time Lord, much less the one she travelled with. 

“Need any help?..” the Doctor asked, before making a face as if he was choking on perfectly good air. 

“WHAT. are you doing, with that box?!” he spluttered, as he hastily closed the chest, leaving the most interesting items still on the floor of the laundry room. 

“I was bored, and wanted to know why you have a treasure chest in here. These are some very curious  **secret clothes** ,” Amy explained, presenting her suspicion.

“They’re not secret clothes,” the Doctor protested. 

“Oh, really? Then why don’t you tell me what they are?” Amy dared him. 

Noticing that they all seemed to belong to his skinny, sticky-uppy hair incarnation, he sighed and resigned to the presentation. 

He picked up the spacesuit. 

“I wore this while travelling with another Doctor, Martha Jones. Works for UNIT now. We came across a spaceship crashing towards a parasitic alien sun. The crew had used said sun for fuel, assuming it was just a mass of energy. But it wasn’t; it was alive. So it infected many of the people, including me. I had to be frozen at -200 degrees Celcius to get it out, but one of the victims stopped the medical machine. After waiting and screaming in pain for a bit longer, Martha got all the sun particles out of the ship, and by extension, me.” 

“Right, and the spot?” Amy reminded him. She wasn’t letting him get away that easily.

“Well, while in the stasis chamber, the thing that cooled me down..the sun particles sort of..burned through me, so to speak. Like when you go to the loo after swimming in a pool,” the Doctor’s face turned scarlet at the admission.

“So this is part sun energy, part Time Lord pee, yeah?” Amy guessed. 

“Well, yes. Quite a lot of Time Lord pee..actually,” he confirmed. 

With a gulp of courage, the Doctor continued, grabbing the old looking trousers. 

“I wore this after I turned myself into a human. I manipulated my memories temporarily, so I thought I was a pre-World War I school teacher. I did it to hide from this very dangerous group, the Family of Blood. The smell you’ve undoubtedly noticed, is NOT as a matter of fact,  _ technically _ human gas. Time Lords have this cool ability to reproduce human flatulence. I don’t know why. I used it to fool them into thinking I was human for longer than I was. It  _ did  _ require quite an..explosive..toot, though,” the Doctor retold. 

“Very accurate imitation,” Amy complimented, waving her hand in front of her face as if it stank, which it did, but not  _ that much _ .

The Doctor was about to close the chest a second time, with the shorts back as well, when Amy stopped him.

“What about the shorts?” she reminded him, pointing at the thin, but wide, blue stain in the crotch of the garment.

“Oh, that’s just something my pal Freddy told me to wash. I had to leave swiftly, forgot to return them,” The Doctor lied.

“Sure he did. But did _he_ wear them? Because I can’t imagine something blue that a human could spill on both sides of his clothes,” Amy countered. 

“Blue Raspberry Ribena,” the Doctor claimed.

“There’s no such thing Doctor,” Amy didn’t believe him for one second.

“Alright, alright,” The Doctor surrendered with a slight whine. He adjusted his bowtie several times as he spoke. 

“Time Lords, are, as you can probably imagine, not built like humans. You already know about the two hearts. But that’s not the only thing we have two of..” the Doctor turned from scarlet to maroon. 

“Our..’timey-wimey things’ have two holes,” 

The Doctor looked at Amy as if he wanted to hide in a hole. She grasped his shoulders firmly. 

  
“Oi, Space Gandalf. Newsflash: I’ve seen you naked. Very early in our relationship. I don’t care. I really don’t.” she assured him. This wasn’t entirely true, but she  _ was _ over her crush. At least to the degree that she appreciated her husband. 

“Okay. So, the two holes, on the inside basically means that there are two tubes. One for each..purpose. Which of them does which changes each regeneration. Most of the time. But, the problem that I found, was that both tubes ended in a very convoluted web of muscle fibres, which are very hard to connect to the correct tubes, just by pushing them. You’d need an x-ray for that.” The Doctor explained. “Or maybe  _ not _ ..,” he added as an afterthought. Amy resolved to ask him about X-Rays later. 

“Right. And the back story?” she requested.

“Fred Perry had invited me to play with him, just a few rounds.  _ This  _ **me** , specifically,” he pointed at his face. 

“During this game, I was drinking some Gatorade, which hadn’t yet been released. And halfway through, I began to feel a bit..jumpy. Or, at least my bladder was. I wiggled a little extra, he didn’t seem to notice. And then, right as I swung a really big serve, I kicked my right leg up in the air, in a way that pulled a muscle to the left, which..opened my,” the Doctor said the last part in a whisper, “ _ pee hole,” _

“So, as you can guess, I  _ wet myself _ thoroughly, luckily not  _ past _ my shorts, or I wouldn’t been able to lie to him about it later. I grabbed my bottle from the ground when he wasn’t looking and claimed that it was Blue Raspberry Ribena that I had spilt,” The Doctor stated.

“But it’s wee,” Amy chuckled. He nodded. 

  
“So, he lent you these?” she guessed. 

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to bring them back, but electrolytes and Time Lord uric acid doesn’t combine well. That’s why these are all in this chest. They're impossible to wash, and horribly embarrassing,” The Doctor confirmed Amy’s earlier suspicions. She put the shorts back, and respectfully closed the chest, and leaned on the washing machine, which was still working. 

“Just one more question: what do X-Rays do to a Time Lord?” Amy asked the Doctor. 

He coughed hesitantly. “Er..why do you need to know that?”

“You said you wouldn’t want to subject yourself to an X-Ray. Why not?” Amy smirked, hoping the answer would be equally hilarious. 

“Well, one time I used one against a slave drone in a hospital on the moon. I turned the energy up so high, my body automatically absorbed the excess, so Martha, which I had only just met back then, wouldn’t get hurt.” The blush was back on the Doctor’s cheeks, in full force. 

  
“Roentgen radiation, to Time Lords is usually relatively harmless. But that’s because it’s treated like any other  _ water-soluble  _ chemical..which gets filtrated by the kidneys, and then the bladder. Ergo, the only way to get rid of it, which was important, ‘cause I really did absorb a lot, was to  **wee** it out. But Martha was there, and I didn’t want to just tell her that I needed the toilet(I really did), so I managed to kick it out through my shoe, fortunately.”

“That’s why you wriggled when we were captured by the Silurians, wasn’t it?” Amy realized the connection. “They hit you with a special lizard laser, same as me,” she noted.

“Ah, so you saw that..yes. They struck quite a few urinary nerve centres along my spine during this process. I was quite nervous about the possibility of an accident, strapped to that table,” the Doctor remarked. 

“Did you..” Amy asked mischievously.

  
“Well, slightly. But in my defence, I  _ was _ wearing black trousers,” the Doctor defended himself. 

“That’s not a defence. Did it help, Raggedy Man?” she asked kindly. The Doctor just shrugged and nodded. 

  
The Doctor promptly left, and the contents of the chest were  _ almost _ never mentioned again.


End file.
